“However peaceful a person may wish to be, their capacity to think, talk and act peacefully will be undermined if their body is not in a state of peace.” – Paul Linden.
In my personal experience, and through working as a Mental Health Mentor and Parent Coach, I’ve learned that the most powerful pathway to an embodied state of peace is through self-compassion and self-acceptance.
Too often, these terms are dismissed as new age self-indulgence, and I’m curious about that, because in so many people’s experiences they are the first & major pathway to real change.
Even if our survival instincts saved us from a traumatic near-death experience, we can judge ourselves fiercely for our automatic responses, and internalise anger, guilt and shame, especially if the system is living with constant and distressing symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This was the case with a recent client of mine.
And I commonly see parents who are suffocating under the weight of self-criticism and self-blame for their reactions to their child’s moods and behaviours, especially if they are living with the impact of secondary trauma.
The problem is, self-critical and negative messages keep our reptilian brain locked in a state of feeling unsafe, unprotected and reactive, and they keep our systems mobilised for survival, which limits other choices. And when we are in this contracted state, we reduce our capacity for connection and empathy.
The answer lies in becoming curious about our instincts and triggers and appreciate they are are resources designed to take care of our safety and status. In our current reality, however, these resources need an overhaul as they are no longer suitable for the job at hand. When we can do this, our body can finally being to soften and release its defensive stance. And we soon discover that our narrative, experience and actions also change.
Our psychobiology orients to two things; survival and connection.
Connection is about being loved, loving and belonging.
How can we orient our systems to connection if we don’t give our bodies messages of love, gratitude and acceptance?
I’m not saying its easy to do, but just as safety and love are the first things we attend to in our children, so we must attend to them within ourselves. Through specific, intentional practices (which we can teach you), we must shore up the body with messages of safety, nurture and support. We must soften our hearts towards ourselves.
This is vital, because a stressed, overwhelmed, traumatised body will not let go of an old strategy until there is a secure, supportive, reliable alternative. And it is vital, because unless we have the embodied capacity to soothe and nurture our own systems in the moment, we don’t have access to the language and presence that is necessary to meet, soothe and nurture our child’s system, no matter how good our intentions may be and how hard we try. As the Dalai Lama states,
Simply bringing this to conscious awareness and discovering he had so much to thank his body for, was enough for my client to experience the first relief his body had felt for two years, as his whole psychobiology shifted and softened.
Self-compassion and acceptance are the first and most essential steps to living a thriving and meaningful life that is organised around what we care about, instead of keeping our systems contracted and limited around the stress and the trauma.
I highly recommend them.
Self-compassion and acceptance are the first and most essential steps to living a thriving and meaningful life that is organised around what we care about
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